Kendra’s Story

You Are Not Alone

Kendra Beasley

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 “However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace.” – Acts 20:24

If you would have told me a year ago that I’d be publicly sharing that one thing that not a single person knew about, I’d have told you that you were crazy. But God had an even crazier plan. About 11 months ago, after ending a relationship, changing my major, and loneliness hitting harder than it ever had before, life just kept knocking me down and I felt myself moving farther and farther from God. My brain reverted to using its best coping skill: pornography. One day the conviction hit me like a brick, and I knew it was time to talk, to bring this to the light. I had an addiction to pornography and I needed to tell someone. Keeping something so secret for almost four years, and feeling alone as a girl fighting this battle, I was scared to talk. I feared rejection, and I knew without this addiction, I would have to start dealing with the emotions that overwhelm me, the porn was an easier escape. This addiction had become a safety net, and a sense of comfort, a way to avoid dealing with the realities in my life. I knew I didn’t want to feel this way anymore, but I also knew telling someone would be so much harder than just living with this addiction. I kept telling myself I deserved this, and I needed it to survive, God had taken so much else away from me, with this though, I thought I control, no one could take it away. I just didn’t trust that God could heal me or make me whole again, after losing my dad and brother. I used this addiction to cope and to just get through the hard days. Was God really big enough to heal me? To fill all those voids in my heart? Looking back over this past year, I can say yes to those questions. While I’m still in the fight, God has given me so much freedom and healing. I have felt more comfort and peace in my life than I have felt in a very long time, if ever.

God has blessed me with countless accountability partners. There are numerous women of faith in whom I confided this secret, many of whom revealed their own struggles with sexual temptations and addictions. These women have shown me what it looks like to be brave, and how to turn to Christ when you are feeling most vulnerable.

I just want to finish by speaking to those girls out there who might be relating to this, any girl who might be struggling with sexual sin and feel like you have to hide, you don’t have to, and you are not alone. I know its scary, I took that step of faith a year ago. While everyday is still a battle, I have found freedom with Christ. I have broken so many chains that I thought could never be broken, and now its your turn.

 

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