To say that God has been faithful in my life is an understatement. Throughout my faith journey, He has proved himself to me time and time again. When I was fifteen years old, my mom passed away and for a big portion of my life, inwardly, I did a great deal of running from God. I let bitterness and discontentment reign in my heart and spent a good portion of my life running from my pain, shoving the burdens of my heart deeper and deeper down and refused to accept God’s plan for my life and my family’s with contentment. God brought me to a breaking point one summer in China, when he gave me exactly what I had asked for: joy. He showed me that joy is deep rooted contentment in His plan, knowing that it is good no matter what. I learned that joy is different from happiness – it acknowledges that no matter what happens He is sovereign. I have faced mountains and valleys in my life, and this past year, if I’m honest, has been one of the most challenging I have faced. I have made poor choices, struggled emotionally and have had to face this new season that God has brought me into. God has allowed things to be uprooted in my life that I never expected to change. I’ve had to learn that I am weak and I am broken and have had to learn to be okay with it. For so long I believed that wrestling with God, doubting His plan or questioning what He allowed in my life was wrong. It wasn’t until I read John 11, through suggestion of my counselor, that my perspective shifted: the way I saw God, wrestling and the tragedies that happen in life drastically changed. Through the story of the death of Lazarus, God opened my eyes to the truth that He meets us where we are at, no matter how ugly or how dirty it may be. Nothing is too far from His redemption and He will chase after us and pursue our hearts. He will get into the ugliest places with us, to prove Himself and to remind us of our desperate need for Him. I have learned more in the past few months about God, myself and what it looks like to fully surrender myself to Him and depend on Him for everything in my life. The waves that He has allowed to splash up against my boat the past six months have been difficult, challenging and at times unbearable. But I have learned that God never gives up on His children and can take any mess, any chaos and bring it to order. I’ve learned that wrestling with Him is beautiful, because He will always, always, prove Himself faithful. In the past couple of months I’ve learned that the more I admit my weaknesses, my shortcomings and my brokenness the more I am relinquishing control and giving my all to God. The more I come to God weak, broken down and in need of Him the more I depend on Him, and the more I depend on Him, the more I am giving up control, and when I give Him control, it radically points to His glory.
I am a broken human being, in constant need of being rebuilt and remade by a Savior who has given me more grace in my journey then I ever deserve. I believe in a God that doesn’t just glue our broken pieces back together, but He takes each piece and remakes it, redeems it, restores it and makes it new, for His glory, so that His name might be praised after it all – through every heartache, every tragedy and every moment we face in this life.